Mum in the Picture

I read a piece on Huffington Post the other night that really resonated with me. Here's the link:

The Mom Stays in the Picture

It touched a chord, because I too avoid mirrors. I'm always behind the camera. I love taking photos of my children. But I actively try to stay out of the photos myself.

I thought it would be interesting to look back and find the last photos of me with the girls. And I had to look a long way back!

Here's what I found:

This is Lucinda and me at her first birthday party in June, 2013. It's the most recent photo I could find of the two of us. That's not too bad - only seven months ago!

Multiple hairy chins and flat, lifeless hair ... but happy to be with my baby.

This is the last time that Charlotte and I had a picture together. On holiday in Yamba in April, 2013.

Rolls of tummy fat and thunder thighs ... but being part of the action with my cheeky Charlotte.

I have a lot of beautiful photos of Grace. But finding one of us together wasn't easy. I had to go back to September, 2011 to find this gorgeous shot.

Tuckshop arms and chubby cheeks ... but enjoying cuddles with Grace at the Tesselaar Tulip Festival.

I have a lot of what are most probably quite unhealthy thoughts and feelings about my appearance. It's easy to let them dictate my actions.

But that's something I'm going to try and change.

My girls are still young enough to not really care how I look. And I don't want to teach them any differently.

They just want me to be there. And I am. I'm a huge part of their lives.

When they look back, they deserve to see that.

I want them to see the joy that being their mother brings me. I want them to see the fun things we did together. I want them to see the love I have for them.

I want them to see me.

The Last Embryo

Introducing ... our very last embryo:

Bertie

I've christened him 'Bertie'. For no other reason than I just felt like it.

But I was talking to Grace about what she would call a little brother (she insists it would be a boy). She feels he should be called 'Unicorn Cutie-Bob'. I have no idea where that came from!

I've been praying very hard this time for one last miracle. And I know others have been too. I'm choosing to spend the two week wait thinking positively. Or at least, as positively as you can on this many hormones!

That said, I am aware that I have been very blessed. And once I got over the initial disappointment, I think I would be more than OK with the three beautiful daughters we have.

There are many mixed emotions during this last cycle. It's hard to believe this is our 19th embryo. Our 14th transfer. What a journey! But worth every moment.

Here's hoping little Bertie sticks.

Ten sleeps and we'll know.

New Years Resolutions 2014

No, I'm not going to go through my goals for 2013 and analyse my performance.

Let's just say that if 2013 were an exam, I wouldn't have passed!

I still aim to nurture the relationships in my life. I'd love to do better this year at all the things I wanted to do last year. But I don't intend to make a list of specific goals this time around. Why set myself up for failure?

I have, however, been doing some reading recently, and it has helped to shape my thinking about the new year.

I stayed up very late a few nights ago to read the book 'Resurrection Year', by Sheridan Voysey (published in 2013 by Thomas Nelson). And it was worth the lack of sleep!

Recommended reading.

The book describes the 10 year journey Voysey and his wife travelled in their (ultimately unsuccessful) quest to have a child. Voysey's account of their experiences with IVF is familiar to anyone who has been there. And it is all the more poignant to me because way back in 2008 I was a talkback caller on Open House and we had a brief conversation regarding IVF. I had no idea at the time that it was so personally relevant to him as well!

While the couple's struggle with infertility is covered in the book, it concentrates more on their "resurrection year" afterward. It chronicles their experiences travelling overseas in search of a new beginning. Their search for answers to the spiritual questions about why God allowed their suffering is covered. And we see them gradually develop new passions and purposes in life.

Let me say at the outset that my experience is nothing like theirs. I've struggled with infertility, but my dreams were realised. I have three beautiful daughters.

My best friend is unable to have children. She battles a very rare and serious chronic disease. And a few months ago, she sustained a severe head injury in a cycling accident, from which she is still recovering. When I think about what she has been through, I feel guilty for complaining about anything!

However, there is an element of grief associated with the IVF process, the losses suffered along the way, and our failure (to date) to conceive our desired fourth child. I am sad to be coming to the end of my childbearing years, and struggling to work out who I am when I'm not just a new mother. It feels like I am entering a significant transition in my life, and the idea of taking a year to explore the options and develop a new identity really resonates.

The other piece I read was an article entitled "Resolve To Be Happy" by Holly Becker, which was published in Issue 34 of Molly Makes.

My favourite magazine.

In it, Becker suggests that being content, mindful and joyful is of much more value than comparing ourselves to others and constantly making lists about how we could be better.

I agree with her that it is easy to spend so much time planning for the road ahead that I fail to enjoy the current moment. I think joy does contribute to creativity and productivity, and I know it is a big part of the solution to my struggles with weight and body image.

The illustration accompanying the article features this quote a the top:

"Criticise yourself less and love yourself more ... open up your heart to what you already have."

The final influence on my goals for the year is a personal testimony given by the friend I mentioned above (found here). I have a great deal of admiration for her courage, and for her faith.

My personal faith has suffered in recent years due to a whole range of factors. But I'd like to get it back. I'd like to be able to stand with her and say that no matter what life brings, 'It is Well With My Soul'.

And that is my one resolution.

Another Frozen Embryo Transfer

Allow me to introduce you to 'George'. Or maybe it's 'Georgina'. We don't know yet. But hopefully one day we'll find out!

"George"

This is a photo of the little 3 day old embryo that I had transferred this morning. A blood test in a fortnight will tell us if it has implanted or not.

I worked out this morning that this is the 11th transfer I have had. And I have three lovely daughters to show for it.

Earlier this year (while I was having a break from blogging) I had two other transfers. These are the embryos that didn't make it:

"Stumpy"

"Seraphina"

Emotionally, it helps me to have acknowledged their existence. At the beginning of our IVF journey we had a little ritual to remember each one, as it helped to bring closure to one cycle so that we could be fully present for the next. We don't do that anymore, so this is my way of remembering them.

If you are curious about the nicknames, all our embryos have had them. We pick names we are unlikely to actually use, for all sorts of reasons. We've had Aloysius, Hepzibah, Alfonso, Jemima and plenty more (there have been 15 embryos so far). Grace was originally "Jock", Charlotte was "Randy", and Lucinda was "Ollie".

I'm glad to now be in a place where I will be content no matter what the outcome. I have my preferences, of course! But I'm praying that God will have his hand over the process and that whatever happens will be His will. I can't do better than that!

Milestones

It's been awhile between posts again.

That's what happens when you add paid work to the list of things you are already doing!

A photo I found online showing the front of my workplace.

That's right - I just survived my first fortnight back at work after a nine month period of maternity leave.

It wasn't actually too bad. While a lot of the processes have changed (like how to book a fleet car, and where to save documents on the computer) the core business of assessing and assisting older people remains the same. And it feels good to know I have helped them to receive the support they need.

It also feels good to know that in just under 12 months I'll be reaching another milestone ... long service leave!

While I've been busy getting back into the swing of things at work, and refining the routine that enables us all to be dressed, fed, packed and out the door on time (luckily only five days a fortnight!) Grace has achieved an important milestone herself. No nappy overnight!

We mostly used Huggies, but these were the last nappies Grace wore overnight.

The noise you hear is a loud cheer as I celebrate having one child out of nappies completely. Hooray!!!

Grace's nappy was mostly dry in the mornings, but I hadn't got around to buying the waterproof mattress protector and setting everything up for her. I've done it now, and we've had two nights nappy-free. There's been one small accident (probably contributed to by being extremely tired after a late night) but otherwise the change has been incident free.

Which brings me to the last milestone of the day. Our energetic, ever-smiling, lovely Lucinda is 9 months old today!

Unfortunately I didn't manage to get a photo taken today, but here's a shot from last week:

Lucinda enjoying her lunch at the Teddy Bear's Picnic at Rippon Lea.

Lucinda has two teeth now (more milestones I didn't record here) and is growing rapidly.

She is almost crawling - she gets up on her knees, rocks, then lurches forward and collapses. It won't be long! She can also push herself nearly all the way up from lying to sitting.  I'd better child-proof the rest of the house, because she's going to be on the move very soon!

Lucinda Starts Child Care

Today was Lucinda's first day at the early learning centre.

Three bags packed and ready to go.

She had a great time! She aced her one hour orientation last week while I was present, and without me today she was still happy. She drank her bottles, had three sleeps, and played contentedly. A model child!

Sitting with big sister Grace.

Perhaps it is because I only finished weaning her last week, and my hormones are wreaking havoc. Perhaps it is because she may be my last baby. Whatever the reason, I was feeling a bit emotional when I dropped her off with the others this morning.

Lucinda has been my smiling little sidekick 24/7 for the last (almost) eight months. I missed her terribly! It is weird for someone who was previously so independent, but I'm not used to being on my own!

We're going through a bit of change at the moment. Lucinda started childcare. Charlotte started in a new room on the 'big kid's side' of the early learning centre. Grace started kindergarten (at the same centre), and went up to the kindergarten Sabbath school class at church. She also started Adventurers (a program at church which I'm sure will feature in a post soon).

The three stooges!

I could easily view it as the end of my one-on-one time with Lucinda. The end of Charlotte's toddler years. The end of the way things have been so far.

But all those "starts" made me realise it is actually the beginning. The beginning of Lucinda learning to interact with others apart from her immediate family. The beginning of Grace's world expanding as she gains new skills and experiences, and builds her confidence while preparing for school.

Hopefully it isn't the end for me, either, but the beginning of a new chapter in my life.

The beginning of carrying a handbag (a couple of days a week) that doesn't contain nappies. The beginning of having a little 'free time' to work on my giant to-do list (until I start work in a couple of weeks!). The beginning of rediscovering the 'me' that, while altered forever by motherhood, still exists somewhere independent of my children.

Here's to new beginnings!

Charlotte's 2nd Birthday

Our beautiful, spirited, sweet, affectionate and funny little Charlotte turned two on Saturday, 22nd December.

How lucky we are to have her in our family!

The birthday girl out for dinner at Taco Bill.

We had a small celebration at Sabbath School a week earlier, as they do for all the kids. Everyone sang "Happy Birthday", Charlotte blew out a candle on the pretend cake, and she was given a small gift and card. Unfortunately I didn't get a photo, as Neil was in Sydney for the day and I had my hands full!

I did manage to take a photo of the cupcakes I made to take along. They were inspired by my Women's Weekly Kids' Little Party Cakes book, as well as several photos from the web. I was really pleased with the final product.

Little fish mini cupcakes.

We didn't have a 2nd birthday party for Charlotte, but instead went away for a few days to Moama for a family holiday. So she got to spend her day playing in the indoor play centre and swimming in the pool at the holiday park where we stayed. I don't think it was too bad a deal!

In the ball pit at Squiggles Play Centre.

Fun in the pool with Daddy and Lucinda.

We brought Charlotte's presents away with us. She loves baby dolls, so was very pleased to unwrap a baby bath set, high chair and other accessories. She also received a lovely tea set from Grandma and Grandpa, and enjoyed feeding the baby with it.

Daddy and Grace helping to open Charlotte's presents.

Changing baby's "burp".

Feeding baby.

The only negative of the day was the birthday cake, which was a complete disaster.

I had planned to purchase a Dora or Peppa Pig cake from the supermarket, but Neil rightly pointed out that they were a bit expensive for just the four of us who would eat it. So we bought a cheap marble cake, but Grace played with the bag and turned it upside down. The pink icing all came off, and it ended up looking terrible. Little animal cupcake decorations chosen by Grace couldn't save it!

Waiting to blow out the candles.

I have to admit I shed a few tears, and felt like I'd let her down. However, Charlotte seemed oblivious to any problems and enjoyed blowing out the candles (with help from Daddy). It was lovely to hear her sitting eating cake and saying, "hip, hip, hooray!" over and over.

"Hip, hip, hooray!"

We went out to Taco Bill in Echuca for dinner, where she got to eat nachos and ice cream. There were certainly no complaints about that!

Happy birthday, Charlotte!

A Simple Skirt

When I was young, my mother sewed a lot of pretty outfits for my sister and me.

I'm not sure how much I appreciated it at the time, but looking back it is very special. The lovely dresses, skirts, and coats she provided us with must have taken a lot of time and skill to make.

I'm now the very proud mother of three beautiful little girls, and I'd love to sew them some clothes.

I don't have lofty ambitions. There are beautiful items in the shops which I can purchase for a lot less than it would cost to make them.

I'm hoping to make fairly simple things, at least to begin with. Skirts, A-line dresses and pinafores. Nothing too complicated or tricky. Items that are special because they are unique, and they are made with love.

With three girls under three-and-a-half, I don't have a lot of spare time. But I've realised that I need to sew them clothes now, while they are still young enough to want to wear them!

So a few weeks ago, I was inspired by some fabric I saw at the Spotlight sale, and I made a start.

I was very impressed by the huge range of tutorials available online. I looked at quite a few, but worked mainly from the Simple Skirt Tutorial on the Dana Made It blog (found here), which was very easy to follow.

My fabric came with the ruffles on it, and the skirt is essentially a rectangle joined at the side, with an elastic band at the top. It has two layers, with a plain white lining finishing just shorter than the outside layer.

The first skirt I've sewn since school days.

I'm very proud of my first attempt, and it gave me a lot of satisfaction to make.

I initially sewed it with Charlotte in mind, but I think it might be a touch too big for her at the moment, so Grace will get to wear it first. That's the advantage of aiming to fit the middle child - you can't lose!

After I find a navy t-shirt for her to wear with it (which has been surprisingly hard to come by), I'll post a photo of Grace in the complete outfit.

And now I've mastered the simple skirt, I'm hoping to make plenty more!

Last Minute Halloween Costumes

No, I don't celebrate Halloween.

I'm horrified by all the merchandise I've seen in the shops recently.

Skulls, spiders, witches, and ghosts can be scary for small children, and difficult to explain.

I try to focus on the pumpkins!

I received an email yesterday from the early learning centre that Grace and Charlotte attend, reminding me to send them in costume today for Halloween. I mentioned it to Neil (who usually drops them off and collects them).

"Oh yeah," he said, "I forgot to tell you about that."

Great!

I asked Grace about it. "I want to be a monster," she said.

About 10:00 pm last night, after our dinner guest had left, I googled "last minute children's Halloween costumes" and found some wonderful ideas for dressing up as a butterfly, octopus, ladybird and the like. But the email said "scary costume".

Neil and I discussed it, and decided the whole scary Halloween scene isn't really something we want to encourage, so we decided not to worry about costumes. I did something else, then went to bed.

This morning, Grace greeted me as usual. "Get up Mummy, it's light!"

Closely followed by, "I want to be a monster. Will you make me a costume?"

She and Charlotte went off happily with Neil, after I had assured her I would work on a costume. I threw on some clothes, and Lucinda and I set off for the shops.

An hour and a half later, we arrived home loaded with supplies. Cheap nighties and leggings from Kmart, and fleece, felt, and other craft supplies from Spotlight.

The raw materials.

I found some good girl/bad girl headbands in the party section at Spotlight.  With a little effort I managed to transform them into googly eyes and horns for the little monsters-to-be.

Wrapping the headband in pink chenille sticks and securing with glue.

Cutting out felt eye pieces from a template I made.

Stuffing little felt horns with filling from a dead cushion insert.

One of the finished headpieces.

My trusty sidekick found it all a little boring.

"I was watching, Mum, but I'm sleepy now."

I hand sewed a piece of fleece to the front of each nightie for the monster's chest, and little felt claws to the bottom of the leggings.

'Claws' at the bottom of the leggings.

I sewed other claws onto little strips of fleece, that could be tied around each girl's wrists for the paws.

It's not bunting, it's claws!

I worked at it most of the day, and only stopped for some appointments this afternoon. I completed the last few stitches in the carpark outside the early learning centre late in the day, but managed to take the full costume in for Grace when we picked her up.

The complete 'little monster' costume.

She got to show her teachers, but I wasn't too fussed that she didn't get to wear it earlier in the day. She may have been too shy to do so anyway. For her, the excitement was in putting the costume on at home later, and it was all the reward I needed to see how happy she was with it.

One very happy 'little monster'!

I made an identical costume for Charlotte, in case she felt left out when Grace got hers. Unfortunately it was a bit late in the day for her though, and she wasn't really in the mood for photos.

"I'm too tired for this, Mum."

Tonight I made one more costume, this time for Lucinda. I had bought a singlet a few sizes too big to sew the fleece onto, and treated the leggings the same way as the others. Instead of a headband, she has a beanie with little horns and one big monster eye.

Felt horns and eye sewn onto a little beanie for Lucinda.

Lucinda's finished costume.

I've never made any costumes before, but I was pleased with my efforts. For less than $50 we have three more dress-up outfits, and I have plenty of fleece and other supplies left over for other projects.

Maybe tomorrow I'll try for a photo of all three 'little monsters' together. Wish me luck!

We Did It!

Grace has not had a bottle since her "big girl" party.

The first two days were tough. There were a lot of tears and a couple of tantrums, as she struggled to find a new way to soothe herself. She has been quite clingy to me, and I've had to lie with her while she goes to sleep most nights since. However, she seems to understand the situation now. She will occasionally say she wants a bottle, but doesn't actually expect to get one. I tell her I know it is hard, but I'm very proud of her, and together we think of something else she might like to do instead.

I had a second present tucked away in case things got tough, and it did come out. Water soluble (easy to peel off) little girl's nail polish. A stroke of genius! It kept her occupied for hours, with everyone in the family (except Lucinda and Rosie) getting the treatment.

Daddy's toes don't usually look like this!

Daddy's fingers with expertly applied nail polish!

Grace carefully put a sticker on the calendar each day for a week, looking forward to her promised trip to the shops with Mummy to choose a new DVD.

Stickers on the calendar marking a week without a bottle.

Last Thursday, Neil came home over lunch to look after Charlotte and Lucinda, while Grace and I went to the shopping centre. She chose two Wiggles DVDs from the ABC shop (we now know all the words to 'Surfer Jeff'!), and then we shared a waffle with pink ice cream at Gelare.

A lovely way to celebrate what is quite an achievement for both of us!

Cup Day

No, it's not the first Tuesday in November just yet.

It's a far more important day in our house.

Today is the day Grace officially becomes a "big girl" and drinks her milk from a cup instead of a bottle.

Drinking some milk from her special new cup.

I've been aware that we need to do this for quite awhile, but I have to admit I've been dreading it. For Grace a bottle is comfort and security, and a means of falling asleep. She is used to having a bottle when going to bed, and during the day whenever she is upset (which is sometimes quite often!). Now that is all about to change.

I figure it is best to get it done while things are relatively stable, as our lives don't tend to stay that way for long. I'm not currently on IVF or pregnant, Neil and I are both well, and we're not moving house or renovating. So there's no time like the present!

On a shopping expedition this morning we found a special cup with a princess, castle, flowers, and lots of glitter on it. We also got a 'Pillow Pet' to provide extra comfort in bed.

'Lily Ladybird'.

I purchased a couple of balloons in Grace's favourite colours (pink and yellow), as well as four little cupcakes which we enjoyed after dinner to celebrate this momentous occasion.

If there are balloons, then it's a party!

Cute little cupcakes purchased from Browns.`

After dinner we had a special ceremony where all Grace's bottles were collected and placed in the rubbish bin (so neither of her parents could relent over the next few days).

Yes, that is a look of pure terror on Neil's face!

"Bye bye, bottles."

After the bottles were disposed of, Grace received a present. She was also promised a special trip to the shops (complete with babyccino) to choose a new DVD, after we've made it through the next week.

Stamps and a Dora book (not pictured) were Grace's special presents.

I have to say, I'm pleased with the way she has coped so far. She is happy drinking milk from the cup, and although there were a few tears when she wanted a bottle (and she had one last one late this afternoon) she has been pretty good.

It took until 9:00 pm tonight for Grace to be tired enough to go to sleep, and I didn't push her. I tucked her in with Lily Ladybird, and she went to sleep all by herself. Sans bottle. Hooray!

I know there will be tough times in the next few days, but I also know that she can do it.

I'm very, very proud of my big girl Grace.

Four Months Old Already!

Our lovely little Lucinda is four months old today!

That time seems to have just flown by. I'm already starting to feel sad about ceasing breastfeeding in December, and going back to work in February. I want to savour these precious moments while I can, before they disappear forever.

Lucinda is a very "good" baby. She has been sleeping through most nights since she was about 11 weeks old - which is more than I can say for her older sisters!. Her blocked tear ducts have resolved, and her eyes are now lovely and clear. She smiles, giggles and coos, and absolutely loves eye contact and attention.

As a mother, I enjoy my children at all ages, but there is something really special about the early months. To me Lucinda is entering the most delightful stage now - happy, cuddly, and interactive. Her personality is gradually revealing itself, and her physical skills are gradually developing.

Spending time with Lucinda is very rewarding. I love watching her on her play mat, learning to reach and grasp the toys. I love watching her attempt to roll over. Most of all, I love watching her face light up and her smile grow when she sees me.

I know these photos aren't all necessary, but I'm a proud mum. Lucinda is such a delightful little girl, and I love her to bits. Here's hoping the next few months go by very slowly!