A Progesterone Pause

My recent absence was not a pregnant pause.

Claude didn't make it.

Neither did Penny.

RIP Penny.

Short for 'penultimate', she was about as lucky as any of the lucky pennies my friend Denise and I found while travelling in the USA.

We're planning a much needed break over Christmas before giving our very last little frozen embryo a chance in January.

The last two cycles have involved me taking 5 x 400 mg progesterone pessaries daily for about 16 days. At $4 each, that's expensive. It's a much higher dose than normal. And it is challenging.

While on the progesterone, I have experienced fatigue, nausea, bloating, constipation, breast tenderness ... essentially, I have felt pregnant. But I'm not.

Emotionally, I have become irritable. Less patient with the girls. Less patient with Neil.

I've felt flat. Down. So much so, that by the end of the cycle everything seems hopeless. I feel like I've been swallowed up by a huge cloud of despair.

I inserted my last progesterone pessaries this morning.

I'm looking forward to the cloud lifting.

I'm back.

A Felt Butterfly Mobile

About a fortnight ago I discovered that a friend from church has breast cancer. She underwent a mastectomy a couple of days ago.

When I first heard the news, I started to think of what I could make as a gesture of encouragement and support for her. She's an incredibly talented and creative person, which I found a little intimidating, but also made me think she would appreciate something a little outside the square.

Carolin loves butterflies, so I started with that. My plans changed several times, but gradually evolved into a felt butterfly mobile. Here is the finished product:

The completed felt butterfly mobile.

I based my mobile loosely on the one found on the Bugs and Fishes blog here. The first thing I had found in the supermarket was a notebook, so I chose felt colours based on that.

The notebook featuring a butterfly print.

I copied the butterfly template from the tutorial, and cut out 15 felt butterflies (three in each colour).  Then I threaded them in strings of two, three or four butterflies, with some little beads down the centre of each butterfly. I just used two strands of embroidery thread, as I couldn't find any fishing line at home. I was pretty pleased when I worked out a system for ensuring they were all the same distance apart, and stitched so they couldn't slide down.

The strings of butterflies ready to be hung.

Next I used a black pen to write the reference to a Bible promise on each butterfly. I tried to choose 15 texts that would be inspiring in the circumstances. In the notebook, I wrote out each text in full.

A butterfly with a text written on it.

I found the inside ring of an old embroidery hoop and tied the strings of butterflies at equal distances around it. Then I did my best to tie three strands of thread to a keyring above the hoop so the mobile could be hung easily. It was a little crooked, but not too bad!

Carolin posted a photo on Facebook after I gave the mobile to her, so here is a shot of it in it's new location in her home:

It is very satisfying to make something someone enjoys using!

As is often the case, now I've done this for someone else, I thought we could probably use one at home too. But it will have to wait awhile - my list of gifts to make is pretty long!

I'm Back!

It has been almost five months since my last post.

Five months during which I've missed documenting my life and thoughts. And hopefully, five months during which you've missed hearing from me.

My sudden silence doesn't have an easy explanation. Factors that played a part include a couple of unsuccessful IVF cycles, a trip interstate, less free time in the evening (due to lying with Grace to help her go to sleep), and discouragement.

To put it simply, I've been in a slump.

"And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself

is not easily done."

- Dr Suess

I wouldn't say I've managed to 'un-slump' myself just yet. That is still a work in progress. But I've come to realise that posting here regularly will help, rather than hinder, that task. 

This blog creates a record of our family life, and makes me more mindful of what is happening each day. It helps me organise my thoughts, process my feelings, and practise my writing skills. 

Most significantly, the simple act of writing a post is a statement of belief that my life and my thoughts are worth sharing. 

So watch this space ... there's more coming! 

Let It Out

I'm the sort of person who bottles her feelings up inside.

Especially the unpleasant ones.

At the slightest hint of distress, my mind has trained itself to squash down whatever thoughts or emotions were troubling me, and distract myself with something else.

Sometimes this is a very effective coping strategy.

But often, it's not.

I end up what Neil refers to as 'a shaken Coke bottle' ready to explode. Except instead of exploding, the internal stress just keeps building up.

Charlotte is not like that. She lets her emotions show.

This picture was taken on Sabbath morning a few weeks ago. Neil was taking photos of the girls before we left for church. Something happened to upset Charlotte, but he took the shot anyway.

Part of me looks at this heartbroken little face and wants to cry too. She looks so sad.

But I know that within a minute or two of this photo being taken, Charlotte was all smiles again. She had expressed her emotion and moved on.

I wonder how my life would be different if I allowed myself to really feel my emotions like that? It seems scary. But maybe it would actually be easier than holding onto them for so long.

I've had a long struggle with depression. It's not over yet.

That's a story for another day.

Suffice to say, the last few weeks I've been going through a glum patch.

But tonight I spoke to a very dear friend who is facing significant health concerns. She faces these challenges with courage and optimism. I never hear her complain. Her life (both personally and professionally) is devoted to helping others. She truly is an inspiration.

Talking to her has reminded me of all I have to be thankful for.

My feelings are important. They are there for a reason. They deserve to be experienced and expressed.

It's time for me to take a leaf from my daughter's book and (appropriately) let them out.

That should stop them morphing into mountains they don't need to be.

Health Update

Cancer is a nasty thing. You can never be quite sure you've seen the end of it.

On Tuesday I had to see my plastic surgeon and his nurse, as there are two areas of my scar that haven't healed. It turns out I am too healthy, and have overgranulation, or "proud flesh". Silver nitrate was used to burn the excess back (ouch!) to enable the wound to close over. A troublesome stitch was also cut out. They may have to repeat the procedure a few times, but hopefully healing is not far away.

The surgeon commented on my significant hair loss near the scar, saying that the hair follicles are sometimes damaged beyond repair by the tension the skin is put under. He spoke about hair transplants and other procedures to address this, but said he wouldn't consider anything like that for at least 12 months, as we need to monitor the area closely to see if the cancer comes back.

It seems that despite the fact that the pathology indicated all of the tumour was removed, I have a reasonably high risk of it recurring. I've since studied it online (as you do!), and the risk is increased if the tumour is large (greater than 2 cm) or aggressive (in my case, infiltrative and morpheaform).  Also, the risk of a new, separate tumour appearing within the next five years is 50%. So I probably need to prepare myself for the likelihood I'll be doing this again sometime!

That said, I know I'll never have another tumour this large. I'll be monitored every six months for the rest of my life, so anything new will be caught quite early.

On a brighter note, I visited the hairdresser today. I've been going to the same salon for 11 years. My original hairdresser has left, but the other (Grace) is equally skilled in the way she cuts my hair. I knew she'd be up to the task of hiding my scars and bald patches.

What I didn't know was that since I saw her last she has begun making customised wigs for people with cancer. She had breast cancer a couple of years ago, and lost her hair after chemotherapy. She now sees people in similar circumstances, and has developed the art of enhancing what is there and hiding the problem areas. So I was definitely in good hands!

Here is the end result:

This is by far the shortest my hair has ever been. She even used the shaver on my neck! It is a graduated bob, like I've had before, and she manages to make the hair look much thicker at the back by encouraging it to curl under at the bottom.

I was a bit disappointed, because I've spent the majority of my adult life avoiding a block fringe. But it is the only way to effectively hide, and protect, the damaged areas on my scalp. She brought the hair forward from quite a long way back (there was a technical term for it which I can't remember) to make the fringe. But as you can see, it does the job of hiding everything!

My days of wearing my hair in a ponytail may be over, but at least I don't need a wig!

A Stitch in Time (Just)

Warning: This post contains photographs that are a little bit graphic, medical documentary style. If you don't like watching RPA, maybe don't proceed!

Last Thursday, 12th June I underwent surgery to remove the skin cancer I have previously mentioned.

The operation took about an hour and a half, and left me with approximately 40 staples in my head.

It was pretty sore, but while I was in hospital they gave me regular Endone, which helped me have a lot more rest than I have been used to!

I came home mid-afternoon on Friday. Here are some photos of what I looked like when I arrived.

The surgeon likes to keep the wounds uncovered, and I was a bit concerned about how the girls would react. But with careful preparation, they were untroubled. In fact, Grace commented at dinner on Sunday that the tomato sauce on the sausage rolls looked like Mummy's head!

Today was the first review with the surgeon, and I am very pleased to say, the tumour was completely excised. Hooray!

I am also very pleased to say I have an awesome surgeon. Dr David Chong, in case you're wondering. The tumour measured 30mm x 30 mm in size, and he managed to not only remove it all, but do it really neatly too.

The surgery involved cutting out the tumour, and going as deep as stripping the periosteum from my skull in that area. Dr Chong then made a very large flap by cutting around towards my ear and essentially removing my scalp, scoring it, then stretching it back on to cover up the hole. When he told me all that, I was amazed it isn't more painful!

I'm allowed to have wash my hair now, so fairly gingerly did so in the shower tonight. Several large chunks of hair came out, but I wasn't too surprised by that. Having had a baby recently, a bit of that was always going to happen anyway!

Here's a photo of what it looks like tonight (the staples keep going into the hair quite a way) ...

and the view from the front.

As you can see, most of it is hidden in my hair so the long term cosmetic damage should be fairly minimal.

You may notice there is an increasing amount of swelling around the bridge of my nose, but it isn't too bad and there's no bruising. Altogether, I'm very happy with how it has all gone.

I owe a very big thank you to my husband and friends Dianne, Lydia and Wayne, Nevila and others who looked after the girls while I was in hospital and when I first came home.

There's still quite a bit of recovery to go. I have some staples removed on Thursday, and then more the following Monday. I'm supposed to be resting a lot to help it heal and to reduce the swelling. Not to mention the throbbing!

What I find the scariest part of this whole experience is how the tumour managed to grow so big (they are apprently like icebergs, with the major part hidden beneath the surface) with my GP still diagnosing it incorrectly. That won't be happening to me again!

The Big 'C'

I have cancer.

Skin cancer.

A large, infiltrative morpheaform basal cell carcinoma, to be exact.

I've had a lesion on my forehead for at least two years, which my GP had assured me was a sebaceous cyst and nothing to worry about. However, in the last six months or so it has developed into a non-healing ulcer, and particularly in the last few months of my pregnancy, has started to spread rapidly.

I was waiting until after Lucinda was born before undergoing a biopsy and finding out my treatment options. Now we have more information.

A basal cell carcinoma (BCC) is the best sort of cancer to have. It very rarely metastasizes, and surgery is curative in most cases if enough tissue is removed. However, most information I've read mentions "cosmetic disfigurement" somewhere early on in the piece. I don't think I'm going to end up looking very good, especially in the first couple of months after surgery. It's lucky I'm not having a big birthday party after all!

Yesterday Neil and I met with my plastic surgeon, who is a pleasant man and very competent and knowledgeable. He explained that my tumour is large and deep (he needs to take all the tissue down to the bone), and has difficult to define margins. The cancer itself is about the size of a 20 cent piece, but then he needs to take a margin of up to 6 mm around it in order to make sure it is all removed.

In 95% of cases where the tumour is not adhered to the bone, the surgeon is able to remove it all in the first attempt. That means I am unlikely to need a temporary skin graft. Instead, he will use a rotational flap from the side of my scalp to cover the hole. But he warned me it would involve a very large incision (right around towards my ear, apparently) and I will have a lot of stitches and staples. Because my hair is quite fine, the scar may be visible long term but that remains to be seen.

Because of the extensive nature of the surgery, I will be having a general anaesthetic and stay overnight in hospital with a drain in the wound (it is likely to bleed a lot, apparently). This will all be happening on Thursday, 12th July (the earliest surgery date he had available).

We're still working out the logistics in terms of child care, and in particular the care of Lucinda, who will be four weeks old and is breastfeeding. But I've got a couple of weeks to express and store plenty of milk so that shouldn't be a problem.

In the meantime, my message is ... wear a hat! Even if it makes you feel hot and uncomfortable, or doesn't fit properly. I haven't always been good at that. And if you have fine hair, wear sunscreen on your scalp as well as your face. Even if it makes your hair look greasy and untidy.

Finally, if you have a spot you are concerned about, go straight to a dermatologist rather than trusting your GP! From now on I'll be having annual check-ups with the dermatologist. The chances are more of these tumours will appear on my head and neck. But I'll do my best to make sure they don't get as big as this one has.

Community

Neil has been in hospital for almost 2 weeks now. It feels like a lot longer!

He doesn't have a specific discharge plan as yet, but there is just over a week until our scheduled holiday with my family. The girls and I are going, and hopefully Neil will be out in time to come with us. Otherwise I'm sure he'll be discharged by the time we get back.

The first four or five days were particularly hard. Partly from a practical point of view, but predominantly emotionally. I was concerned about Neil (he has depression), upset myself about some of the circumstances, and dealing with the girl's reactions. They were very clingy, panicked if I was out of eyesight even briefly, and much more difficult in behaviour.

Thankfully, things have improved since then. I can sometimes even go to the toilet or have a shower on my own (hooray for the TV and DVD player)! We have all settled into a bit of a routine, and although it is very tiring and hard work, I'm feeling quite confident that we can manage.

A lot of that confidence comes from the support I have received from a whole range of different people:

• The cleaning lady has stayed an extra half an hour each week without charge, and helped with the laundry. Today she even disposed of a dead rat in the drive!
• A couple of people from church have given me food, and another dropped in to visit. 
• My friend Nicole has come each Sunday afternoon bearing a delicious dinner, to play with the girls, help me take the rubbish out and do other jobs, and just generally be here. 
• My friends Lydia and her husband Wayne have looked after the girls twice - once while I took Neil to the hospital, and another night so I could visit him on my own.
• Two mums from the street introduced themselves and invited me to bring the girls to a play date last Friday afternoon.
• A number of my work colleagues have been cooking dishes and bringing them in for me. I haven't really had to cook much at all!

It is quite humbling and comforting to realise I am a part of several different groups in the community, and to feel them reaching out and supporting me. I'm not on my own. Hopefully one day I can return the favour to someone else who needs it.

New Year's Resolutions

Recently, I've tried my best not to make any set resolutions for each new year that comes. In the past I was far too ambitious and idealistic, setting myself up for failure.

I did break my rule slightly, and set myself one small goal last night ... to be sound asleep when the clock struck 12! Unfortunately, despite being in bed by 10:00 pm that didn't happen, thanks to some noisy neighbours with fireworks, and a little girl with three teeth coming through at once. Which just goes to prove my point!

That said, the start of a new year is a great time for reflection and evaluation, and I'm not averse to some "guiding principles" for the coming year.

When I started thinking about this last night, the first thought that came to mind was "survive"! I have friends who resolved last year to cook their way through a new recipe book. And I have read the blogs of people who do a craft project a day for a year. What fun things to do! But I don't have the time, or energy.

In 2012 I will be moving house (in less than three weeks!), and giving birth to my third child. I'll continue to work half time, and look after two toddlers. I'll work with Neil to design our new home, and sort out all our things ready to move into rental accommodation while it is built. I'll keep helping out in the Beginners Sabbath School at church, do my best to be a good wife and mother, and try to keep in touch with family and friends. I'll turn 40. I'll try to do regular blog posts (you may have noticed it slipping in the last month or two). And I think I'll be exhausted!

My resolutions for 2012 won't include any new activites. They'll be about the basics. How to do what I'm already doing better.

Here are my four "guiding principles" for the year ahead:

Respect my body. 
This doesn't have anything to do with losing weight, or even exercising. It just means I will try to listen to my body, and give it what it needs. Instead of forging ahead with what needs to be done, I'll rest when I need to. I'll be more aware of what my body is doing, both for me and for my unborn baby. I'll manage the gestational diabetes and pregnancy symptoms as best I can. But most of all, I'll be kind to myself. I'll recognise that what I weigh and how I look are not as important as how I feel and how I make others feel.

Improve my parenting skills. 
Particularly discipline. It is the one big area I struggle with. Now that Grace is approaching three, I'm finding it harder and harder to be consistent, and withstand her tears and tantrums. I'm not sure how I'll do this, but I'll try. Maybe read some books. Maybe go to a course. Feel free to offer suggestions!

Spend more time with my husband.
With all the things we're doing, and our completely opposite time clocks, it is becoming harder and harder for Neil and I to spend quality time together. But I'll try and make it a priority this year. And I'll try to make sure (oh-oh, here comes a set resolution!) we have one date night a month.

Spend more time with God.
Again, with such a busy life, personal devotional time is rare. Any personal time is (when was the last time I showered or went to the toilet all by myself?)! I could try and get up earlier, but I think the key here is to find ways to spend time with God during my other activities. Waiting until we're alone means it just doesn't happen.

So there you have it. That's what I'll be striving for this year. I'll let you know how I go.

In the meantime, I have a few posts waiting to be written ...

Crafty Stress Management Course

Back in May, I attended a great course called Crafty Stress Management. It was held in the studio at Fertile Ground Health Group in East Melbourne, and was run by Sue Halliday from Crafting Health.

I've always loved craft, but hadn't made time for it in my busy schedule since having children. It was exciting to rediscover and expand my crochet skills, and practise some simple stitching. More than that, it was inspiring to meet Sue and the other participants and share ideas.

One night a week for six weeks (I was only able to attend the first four) we met to learn craft skills and discuss various stress management techniques. Mindfulness was a particularly strong theme, and I was reminded how relaxing the simple process of crafting can be. The other main point I took away from the course was that what I make doesn't have to be perfect. It's OK to be wonky!

Our first project was a small crochet heart, followed by crochet granny squares, and then stitching an inspirational phrase. While I finished my stitching awhile ago, I only just framed it tonight, hence the blog post.

Since doing the course, I've been trying to regularly spend time working on small craft projects, and it really has given me a great deal of pleasure.

If you'd like to find out more about Crafting Health or the next Crafty Stress Management course, click on the link below:

Crafting Health