The Last Embryo

Introducing ... our very last embryo:

Bertie

I've christened him 'Bertie'. For no other reason than I just felt like it.

But I was talking to Grace about what she would call a little brother (she insists it would be a boy). She feels he should be called 'Unicorn Cutie-Bob'. I have no idea where that came from!

I've been praying very hard this time for one last miracle. And I know others have been too. I'm choosing to spend the two week wait thinking positively. Or at least, as positively as you can on this many hormones!

That said, I am aware that I have been very blessed. And once I got over the initial disappointment, I think I would be more than OK with the three beautiful daughters we have.

There are many mixed emotions during this last cycle. It's hard to believe this is our 19th embryo. Our 14th transfer. What a journey! But worth every moment.

Here's hoping little Bertie sticks.

Ten sleeps and we'll know.

Time for a Cool Change

We survived!

Melbourne has just endured four consecutive days over 40 degrees. The temperature got up to 46 degrees in some suburbs, and the nights stayed above 30 degrees for most of the time. We only have a little thermometer inside (as part of the heating system), but it hovered between 32.5 and 35.5 for pretty much the whole stretch.

Thank goodness it is over!

Sleeping was hard for the girls, particularly Charlotte. We have a little old air conditioner in the dining room (where Neil slept one night!) and another in the back room (where he spent another night!), but only fans in the bedrooms.

Here is how we did it:

1. The sprinkler/hose/wading pool.

Grace enjoying the cold water.

Charlotte hosing down the swings.

Early in the morning, and particularly late in the afternoon, we ventured outside and into the shade. We took turns spraying each other with the hose. The girls splashed in the little wading pool (Lucinda just dived straight in!). And we ran through the sprinkler. Being wet made us the most comfortable.

2. Wearing limited clothing.

One dirty, hot and sweaty little girl!

I didn't take a lot of photos over the last few days, and I can't include a many of the ones I did take because the girls are naked! Lucinda lived in just a nappy the whole time, and Grace and Charlotte wore their undies, or nothing. Neil got around without his shirt, so it was really only me who stayed fully clothed!

3. Spray bottles.

I mentioned water above. I took the girls to the supermarket and got them an empty spray bottle each, which we filled with cold water. They sprayed themselves. They sprayed each other. They sprayed the furniture (which I pointed out was a bit unnecessary!). And they sprayed into their mouths to drink the water.

4. Water and icy treats.

Our most popular frozen treats.

We drank a lot of water. Our water bottles all contained cold water from the fridge (since the tap was running pretty warm) and ice blocks. The girls played with and sucked ice blocks. They had frozen juice, icipoles, and icecream. We went through a lot of watermelon and cold grapes. Anything cold and wet was good.

5. Air conditioned shopping centres.

In a few centres, the air conditioning wasn't able to cope with the heat and extra bodies. But we went to a supermarket or shopping centre to hang out for awhile most days, and it was definitely cooler than at home. It can end up expensive, unless you are very firm! But we saw a lot of families doing the same thing.  And a lot more elderly people than usual. Some were sitting in chairs with water bottles and the newspaper, looking like they were there for the duration. And why not?

6. No cooking.

Or at least, no oven turned on! We ate salad and fried things like patties. And, because little girls aren't big on eating salad every day, we ate at the shopping centre two nights so they could have pizza or chips. We also found a McDonalds with an indoor playground, and hung out there for awhile more than once before enjoying a 30 cent cone!

It was tough. I hate hot weather. (Have you ever noticed that hell is said to be hot, not cold?) But one of the great things about Melbourne is, the heat doesn't last. You know that, eventually, a cold change will come. And when the wind picks up and that wonderful cool air finally arrives, what a relief!

Cubby Cuteness

Grace, Charlotte and Lucinda received a very exciting Christmas present last month ...

... a cubby house!

Our new cubby house.

We checked out quite a few different (and expensive!) options before Neil found the 'Malibu Mansion' from Design A Cubby. He took the girls with him to have a look at it. Given that Grace's favourite colours are pink and yellow, he didn't really stand a chance!

He purchased the display model, which meant it was a little cheaper, was available before Christmas, and was already painted. So it was a win for everyone!

Daddy and Grandpa working on construction.

The cubby house was delivered in pieces, and when Grandpa arrived the week before Christmas he helped Neil to construct it. They laid it on a bed of crushed rock to create a level base, because there are a lot of surface roots from the nearby pine tree. I decorated it with some bunting Mum and I made for Grace's rainbow birthday party a couple of years ago.

Grandpa enjoying a well earned drink from the servery.

We've moved the toy kitchen and some little chairs in so far. I have ambitions of sewing some little curtains, and appliqueing a picture in an embroidery hoop to hang on the wall.

As soon as I get that done, I'll post some pictures of the cubby's interior.

I hope it's as cute as the outside!

The Beginning of the End

This is it.

Today is "Day One" of my very last IVF cycle.

In many ways, that's a good thing. As I've shared here on more than one occasion, doing IVF is financially expensive, physically challenging, and emotionally draining.

But it is also a little bit sad.

This has been my life, on and off, for just over five years. The process is familiar. So are many of the people I see. I'm used to life being very structured, with certain things happening on certain days. I know my Melbourne IVF patient number so well I accidentally put it on a work document recently instead of my employee number!

Behind these walls each of my daughters was born.

I enjoy the acupuncture that I undergo as an adjunct to my IVF treatment, and value highly the support I have received from staff at Fertile Ground Health Group. I know parts of East Melbourne like the back of my hand ... and have put enough coins in parking meters there to sink a ship!

Still, change happens. And it can be very exciting. A new start awaits.

In the meantime, I hope to be mindful as I go through this cycle. I want to pay tribute to all the people who have supported me on this journey. I want to honour the embryos that haven't survived, as well as the beautiful three that did. And I want to show respect to this body, which has been through so much to get me to where I am today.

Have you experienced an ending that was also a new beginning?

Christmas Brunch

We saw both my parents and my brother and his family over the recent holiday period.

Not on Christmas Day itself. But we managed a Christmas brunch two days early.

I figured that wasn't bad going!

Christmas brunch laid out (with the girl's art gallery behind!).

Having it the day after Charlotte's party meant a bit of hard work. But fortunately Grandma and Grandpa were on hand to help out. And we cheated with a few purchased items.

The fresh fruit Christmas tree prepared by Grandpa.

The menu included:

• bircher muesli (dairy free)
• parfaits with fancy granola, thick greek-style yoghurt and fresh strawberries, raspberries, blueberries and pomegranate seeds (I invented the recipe)
• croissants (purchased from Costco)
• danish pastries, including maple pecan twists (also purchased from Costco)
• fresh fruit Christmas tree (following a picture I found on Pinterest, but couldn't locate a site to give credit to)
• Christmas cake (purchased from Costco)
• mini pancake stacks with maple syrup and blueberries (my recipe, presented as I had seen in some pictures online)
• zucchini, feta & basil muffins with cherry tomatoes (from a recipe found here)
• scrambled eggs
• roast tomatoes
• breakfast potatoes
• mushrooms with butter, garlic & thyme
• orange, apple and tomato juices

Breafast parfaits with granola, yoghurt and fresh berries.

Mini pancake stacks with maple syrup and blueberries.

Zucchini, feta & basil muffins with cherry tomatoes.

The weather was a bit cool, which thwarted my plans to eat outside. But we were able to put two folding tables together lengthwise to make one long table we could all sit at comfortably on the back porch.

I purchased four metres of hessian from Bunnings to make a rustic tablecloth, over which I placed a centrepiece I already had, and two little red planters with thyme and oregano in. The glasses had red and white striped straws, we used red paper serviettes, and there was a bon bon at each place setting. It was all thrown together pretty much at the last minute, but I thought it worked OK.

The table looks pretty - but where's the food?

The family ready to eat (Emma & Ruben not pictured).

My handsome hubby.

Lucinda enjoying herself as always.

Everyone had a good time eating, then it was time to head inside for presents.

Grandpa Santa with his three little helpers.

Charlotte unwrapping a present.

Grace doing the same.

Ayla seems pleased with this one.

Charlotte playing with the special dominos Grandpa made her.

Grace's other cousins gave her a pig dress up suit.

It is lovely to see the children get so excited. And for me, it was really nice to spend time with the majority of my family at such a significant time of year.

I wonder what we'll do next year?

New Years Resolutions 2014

No, I'm not going to go through my goals for 2013 and analyse my performance.

Let's just say that if 2013 were an exam, I wouldn't have passed!

I still aim to nurture the relationships in my life. I'd love to do better this year at all the things I wanted to do last year. But I don't intend to make a list of specific goals this time around. Why set myself up for failure?

I have, however, been doing some reading recently, and it has helped to shape my thinking about the new year.

I stayed up very late a few nights ago to read the book 'Resurrection Year', by Sheridan Voysey (published in 2013 by Thomas Nelson). And it was worth the lack of sleep!

Recommended reading.

The book describes the 10 year journey Voysey and his wife travelled in their (ultimately unsuccessful) quest to have a child. Voysey's account of their experiences with IVF is familiar to anyone who has been there. And it is all the more poignant to me because way back in 2008 I was a talkback caller on Open House and we had a brief conversation regarding IVF. I had no idea at the time that it was so personally relevant to him as well!

While the couple's struggle with infertility is covered in the book, it concentrates more on their "resurrection year" afterward. It chronicles their experiences travelling overseas in search of a new beginning. Their search for answers to the spiritual questions about why God allowed their suffering is covered. And we see them gradually develop new passions and purposes in life.

Let me say at the outset that my experience is nothing like theirs. I've struggled with infertility, but my dreams were realised. I have three beautiful daughters.

My best friend is unable to have children. She battles a very rare and serious chronic disease. And a few months ago, she sustained a severe head injury in a cycling accident, from which she is still recovering. When I think about what she has been through, I feel guilty for complaining about anything!

However, there is an element of grief associated with the IVF process, the losses suffered along the way, and our failure (to date) to conceive our desired fourth child. I am sad to be coming to the end of my childbearing years, and struggling to work out who I am when I'm not just a new mother. It feels like I am entering a significant transition in my life, and the idea of taking a year to explore the options and develop a new identity really resonates.

The other piece I read was an article entitled "Resolve To Be Happy" by Holly Becker, which was published in Issue 34 of Molly Makes.

My favourite magazine.

In it, Becker suggests that being content, mindful and joyful is of much more value than comparing ourselves to others and constantly making lists about how we could be better.

I agree with her that it is easy to spend so much time planning for the road ahead that I fail to enjoy the current moment. I think joy does contribute to creativity and productivity, and I know it is a big part of the solution to my struggles with weight and body image.

The illustration accompanying the article features this quote a the top:

"Criticise yourself less and love yourself more ... open up your heart to what you already have."

The final influence on my goals for the year is a personal testimony given by the friend I mentioned above (found here). I have a great deal of admiration for her courage, and for her faith.

My personal faith has suffered in recent years due to a whole range of factors. But I'd like to get it back. I'd like to be able to stand with her and say that no matter what life brings, 'It is Well With My Soul'.

And that is my one resolution.