In His Hands

You're not supposed to do a home pregnancy test before the blood test scheduled by IVF. Blood tests are more accurate.

But I usually do it anyway. I prefer to have a heads up of what to expect. And to deal with it in the stillness of the early morning, in the privacy of my own bathroom.

It's looking good this time. A few mornings have revealed that magic second line, growing darker each time. So far so good!

Now the really scary part begins.

Until now there was hope. Potential. Wondering.

Now there is something definite to lose.

I'm not a pessimist. Or a particularly anxious person. But I've discovered that becoming a mother opens a whole world of things to worry about.

Any woman who has experienced a pregnancy loss will relate to the compulsion to check the paper each time you go to the toilet, just to make sure there's no blood.

Little "Ollie" and I have passed what is just the first of many milestones. Next is the blood test on Thursday. Then blood tests every two days, until the doctor is satisfied my hormone levels are rising appropriately.

Then comes the six week ultrasound, to look for a heartbeat. If we make it that far, we are officially 'clinically pregnant'. We graduate to the obstetrician, with whom there is another scan at eight weeks, before the 12 week ultrasound which usually signals it is OK to share your happy news.

I remember during my first pregnancy, thinking that I could relax after that point. Silly me!

Will the baby be healthy? Will the delivery go smoothly? Am I doing the right things to look after her? Will she die of SIDS? If you allowed them to, the list of potential threats or dangers could easily overwhelm you.

At Grace's dedication, I requested the hymn "I Surrender All". I spoke briefly of coming to the realisation, after a pregnancy loss, that I couldn't control the outcome. I did my best to leave it in God's hands, knowing that He wants what is best for me, and for my children.

A line from a Gaither song stuck in my mind while I was pregnant with Charlotte. "I could never, ever outlove the Lord." Believe it or not, He loves my babies more than I do. I can trust Him to look after them.

My mother once gave me a wonderful greeting card. I think it was from the "Really Woolly" range. Unfortunately it is packed at the moment, or I would have included a photograph. But the cover says something like "I'm picturing you today, right where you are ...", and then inside it says "in His hands", and pictures a little sheep cupped in large hands.

I'm trying to picture that image again, as I think about this little baby. It is in His hands. And so am I.